My Life with Anxiety

Childhood

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My journey with anxiety began at an early age. However, I wasn’t diagnosed with an anxiety disorder until adulthood. My father was in the Army so my family moved every couple of years. Military life for children is stressful as we have to leave behind old friends, start new schools, and get used to new places. My shyness and anxiety made it difficult to adapt to the constant changes. Outside of my family, I kept to myself and struggled to socialize.

 

I remember worrying a lot about making friends, embarrassing myself, and getting into trouble in grade school. Giving class presentations made me very nervous. I hated being the center of attention.

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Teenage Struggles

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In middle school, I started getting chest pains. They usually started during final exams, presentations, award ceremonies, and report cards.  Indeed, maintaining good grades was a huge source of anxiety. I didn’t want to disappoint my Asian dad: a strict Army man. I managed to keep straight A’s, sometimes staying up all night to complete homework.

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At home, my chest pains started when my family’s world went downhill. My mom went through a year of chemotherapy when my dad was deployed overseas. My dad served 6 combat tours. I worried and cried a lot about his safety in a war zone. Right before my older brother turned 18, he developed a terrible disease called epilepsy. I felt consumed with anxiety and frustration about my family’s struggles. My body’s reaction was intense chest pains that lasted a few minutes. Without any coping mechanisms, all I could do was hold myself until the pain stopped.

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My mom took me to numerous military doctors, but no one knew what was causing my chest pains. One doctor told my mom I was lying. This was probably because I wasn’t brave enough to break down my invisible wall and share how I really felt inside. I’ve always been a stoic person, hiding my pain from others. It was my defense mechanism. However, my stoicism led to 23 rocky years of suffering in silence with no support or treatment.

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Adulthood

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After graduating high school early, I decided to leave home. I moved in with my boyfriend’s family. My boyfriend became a control-freak over my life. My toxic relationship with him made me a prisoner. I fell into a deep depression.

 

Through this stressful event, I met my future husband who was no perfect knight. James had his own issues, but we were both suffering in loneliness and depression. After my horrible relationship ended, I fell in love with James. A year later, we got married.

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Parenthood

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We had our first child the following year. Being a young mother was not easy, but I did constant research to be as educated as possible. I read sleep books, health articles, and infant development websites. My ultimate worry was that I was going to become a frazzled parent that didn’t know how to enjoy parenthood.

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Almost two years later, my second child was born. We weren’t financially ready for another baby, but we managed. I worried constantly about my children’s health, my husband’s job, and my own academic future. I put off college for a few years because my anxiety was damaging my physical health. I became Mrs. Tired and Cranky.

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Diagnosis

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By 2013, my chest pains occurred almost daily. My stomach started to hurt. My immune system couldn’t keep away colds in our house. Were these the symptoms of a heart condition or something worse?

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After 23 years of suffering, I bravely opened up to a doctor about my thoughts that overwhelmed me. My thoughts were constantly racing about my family’s health, finances, and my lack of close friends or college future. My diagnosis was Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). It was a huge relief to know what was causing my chest pains.

 

Treatment

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My doctor recommended anti-anxiety pills and to see a psychologist. At the time, I was still breastfeeding my second baby. The anti-anxiety pills weren’t safe for nursing babies. My baby and I cried that week when I stopped nursing. Even worse, it was only a temporary treatment for GAD. Anxiety forums were filled with horror stories about this medication’s side effects.

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That same week, I made a conscious decision to treat my anxiety disorder naturally. A family therapist helped me find natural methods to cope with my anxiety. This was life-changing as I started having less anxious thoughts and chest pains.

 

Big Move

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A couple years later, my family moved to Florida. This was one of the worst and best experiences of my life. The worst part was that I got a stomach flu and was prescribed antibiotics that poisoned my body. This led to c. difficile colitis and more antibiotics for two weeks. I lost 16 pounds during those two weeks.

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Living with my in-law became toxic. It was her house so everything had to be done her way. This was understandable, but the cursing, anger, and yelling led to more stress and anxiety. Managing anxiety is difficult without medication, especially when you’re surrounded by negativity.

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Then, a marvelous thing happened. I met a therapist that figured me out in two sessions. My chest pains, dizziness, and shortness of breath were the beginning stages of a panic attack. She said I stuff my feelings into my pocket, which was spot on. I owe her a lot because she helped me realize how I internalize everything. She offered solutions to avoid this habit and express my thoughts with others.

 

Today

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Without seeking help from therapists and family, I wouldn’t be mostly chest-pain free today. My academic success and happiness is directly linked to my mental and physical well-being. I’ve learned it’s imperative to seek professional help when you constantly worry about life and things you don’t have control over.

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I’ve also come to accept my anxiety as part of who I am. This disorder doesn’t make me weak, it makes me strong. People that continue to fight and live with mental disorders deserve support from family, friends, and therapists. Don’t suffer in silence like I did. Not being honest with my loved ones was one of my biggest regrets. I could have received help sooner.

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My hope is that my experiences encourage you to manage your anxiety. Natural treatments aren't for everyone so research all your options. Check out my tips for reducing stress here.

 

Have you checked out ADAA’s peer-to-peer online support group, HealthUnlocked? This is a safe place for people with anxiety and depressive disorders to find support. It’s free to join.

 

Have you ever lived with an anxiety disorder? Feel free to share your experiences.